My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
