you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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