This is not my ceiling
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
