hotel room ftw
just come out here and I will go home with you...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
