Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
