Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
