please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
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Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
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you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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