we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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