He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
