Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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