Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
