im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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