This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
