i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
