I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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