Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
