Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
