I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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