I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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