Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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