nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize