I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
