Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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