My liver just broke up with me...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
