you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
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He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
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I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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