Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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