Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
