I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
