She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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