There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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