who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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