So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
