take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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