The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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