just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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