Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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