remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
