Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
