im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
