Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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