u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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