I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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