bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
