whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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