Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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