Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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