hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
