i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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