We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
