Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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