Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Couch. On fire.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
