You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
