Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
