so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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